Uncertainty.

For someone who likes to be in control and likes to know that is going on in their own life, the current situation and feeling of uncertainty is playing a big part of unneeded stress and angst in my life right now.

The current pandemic of Coronavirus is affecting millions of people worldwide. Some people have the virus, some people are witness to their family members having it and some are just affected by the effects it is causing on society.

As an event industry professional, the work within my sector has completely gone. Not only have I lost my actual job (5 weeks ago and counting) but my industry is not hiring nor will it be for a long time. How long for, you ask? No one knows. What am I supposed to do now? Get a different job, would be the obvious answer. However, not only am I now hunting and applying for roles that are out of my skill set, I am competing against 100’s of thousands of other displaced individuals that probably have better suited skills that I do. It’s a complete headfuck.

Loosing my job 5 weeks ago was meant to be my blessing in disguise. It was supposed to be the “kick up the ass” I needed to go and seek out my perfect job. A job that combined sports and events. Who would have guessed that only a week or 2 after my displacement, both of those industries would have shut up shop.

It’s a whirlwind of emotions in trying to stay healthy (in both mind and body), keep in contact with your friends and family (but not give yourself migraines from too much screen time), and look for a job in a time where the only roles that are available have about 5 times more applicants than they normally would.

I feel useless because I’m at home and cannot find a job, that will accept me. I have skills, great ones; just ones not suited to what the hiring companies want. I don’t want to be out of work for 6 months; or maybe longer. I have plans and goals that I want to achieve, but this uncertainty is blocking those. I can’t sleep at night from the stress and headaches. This isn’t a why me post (so please don’t think that), it’s just a vent of frustrations and fear, that might help myself to see where my next move is.

Gyms are closed, which means no workings out there as a stress release. However let’s be honest with myself and everyone (or no one) who reads this post. I haven’t been great at getting to the gym in the last year, because my event life was so hectic. My gym membership was sitting there for 9 months between March-November 2019, hardly being used because I was working so many long days, early mornings and late nights. This was a reason I had not yet renewed it this year and was just paying a casual rate, because I was waiting to see what 2020 has in store for my career! HA! Good one Coronavirus. Home workouts are the newest thing in this “stay at home” mantra and are gaining so much speed. In this current, “I CBF’d state” my mind is in, I have little to no motivation to do them. I have all the equipment I need, I have the knowledge of what workouts to do and km’s of running trails around my house to get my mind off the current situation, even just for an hour. However, discipline is needed right now and I just don’t have any. For a person that is normally takes so much pride in being driven and passionate, this is wrong on so many levels. How do I re-find my mojo?

Keeping in touch with my family and friends is probably something that has affected me the least but it is still a pain point. A lot of my friends are on different work schedules and times, or perhaps live in another state, so communicating online or via text isn’t overly different. However, the interactions with other people in general is what I am missing. Saying hi to those who work out at the same time as you at the gym; you might only know their name but you say hi and smile, ask how their day was and get on with it. It might be the work colleagues (or was), that you see (or talk to) every weekday, for at least 8 hours a day. I miss the banter and the laughs (or even the tears!) that are shared with those people. I had spent more time with them over the last few years, than I probably spent with my family. I love my family but goodness, sometimes you just need to have a rest from them.

I’m typing this post so late at night (or early morning to be exact) because I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying here for about 3 hours trying to do different things to offset sleep but nothing is working. Lately, I’ve been trying a bunch of meditations and breathing techniques, using an essential/fragrant oil diffuser, listening to music and laying there in the silence. Sometimes a mixture of them works, but tonight for instance, nothing is working; so I thought I would try a brain dump of all my feelings and see if that help.

Blogging is something I’ve always enjoyed doing, but haven’t had a lot of time to do it over the last few years, with my event job keeping me so busy. How times have changed in the last 5-6 weeks. Perhaps I might do a little more of it now (or at least for those moment while I have some spare time!).

I have taken up a new learning development, increasing my own skill set into web development and coding; it’s a skill I’ve wanted to learn for a really long time but haven’t had hours to dedicate to it, to learn and more importantly, practice what I’ve learned in real situations and websites. Perhaps there might be a few random posts over the next few months; testing out the skills I am learning in HTML and CSS.

I’m hoping that will be enough of a brain dump/de-clutter, that one of the above methods of trying to sleep will now help.

La love,
C. xx

De-Clutter.

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I haven’t blogged since the post where I came clean about #exboyfie and I breaking up.  I still haven’t re-found my blogging mojo, so to speak. I keep coming up with these ideas in my head but when I get my computer or phone out to type them, it all just seems like worthless junk or I get writer’s block.

Today I’ve just decided to fill my blog text box with words and see where it takes me.   

A friend of mine texted me out of the blue today to let me know that there are 83 days until I travel to my next destination.  Funnily enough, I already knew that because he’d created a ticking countdown for me last week.  He also told me that I normally use this platform as a virtual diary; so that is why I’m just fumbling my way through a post today.  Just clearing out all the junk in my head that is making it sooooo muddled up. He is one of my only close friends that reads my blog without me shoving it all over my other social pages.  He gets his email notification that I’ve has posted an article, and he reads it.  From one “Capt.” to another, thank you. 😊

Can we also just pause for a second… what an amazing, clever nerdy friend, this above person is.  He CODED me an entire flip countdown to my next holiday.  Like who knows how to do that or even has time?  I even tried to find a flip app and I couldn’t.  I could find plenty of clocks but no countdowns.  Can I ask for y’all to have a look at it?  It has no value to anyone else but me, but hey, it’s freakin’ cool and you’ll found out where I am going on holidays!  Check it out here > www.cmedia.com.au/countdown

Right, I got a little bit off track, but I did mention it could be a little bit all over the shop tonight. 

In my attempts to try type out a blog (or get around the thought of a VLOG), so many questions pop through my brain every day yet I can’t get any close to getting them on virtual paper.

Things like:

  • Should I really being going on holidays when I could be using that money towards a house deposit?
  • Should I create a new space on my blog for travel even though I haven’t done much of it lately and why does my opinion matter?
  • Why isn’t my career taking off as well as I wanted/planned it to; I’m getting to a point where my career should be set up?
  • Why do I need a man when I can go out and FIND MYSELF?

All these questions are absolutely ridiculous when you write them down.  At the end of the day, I know all the answers to those before I can type the end of this sentence.  The real question should be this:

Why does society think it is okay to put unrealistic pressure on people to have life decisions made before they’re a certain age or period in their life time?

The answer is; it isn’t okay, but society doesn’t care.

Take my job for instance: I’m a full-time working girl, who has a travelling high flying job planning events for a multinational company, who meets all kinds of people, in all kinds of places, planning all types of cool things… Why would I hate my job at all?  The simple answer is I don’t, I love my job, but it is more complicated than that. 

People see the end game with events.  They see the shiny lights and the golden gates, but they also haven’t walked through the fires of hell (so to speak) to get to those golden gates. It takes time to put on a great event.  FIFA World Cups and Olympic Games take 4 years in the making, for an event that might run for 2-4 weeks…

Getting back to my career; why haven’t I worked on the football side and moving my career that way; from Corporate to Sport.  Surely skills cross over into that and I should be able to get a job easily enough, right? That my friends, is where society is wrong. It’s not just a snap of a finger and it’s done, I’ve got what I wanted, and I got it without doing any actual work.

Working for a national/international company, calendars are busy months and months in advance, sometimes I don’t even have time to go to the gym or have time to sit and eat lunch, let alone make plans to meet with sports industry people and have coffee dates!  I am working on my footy career, slowly, week by week with a wonderful club, biding my time until I can get an opening to look at future options.  In the meantime, bills still need to be paid so I must keep working.

Another society generalisation that grinds my gears is when statements like “You don’t need a partner, you just need to be happy in your own company, FIND YOURSELF.”

FIND YOURSELF.  What does that even mean?  Apparently, there is a wiki page on it.  https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself

You’re essentially going through life, trying to ‘find yourself’ on a guide society made up, because they know what is best for you… In truth, the only person that knows what’s best for you, is YOU. 

I’ve been single now for 9 months and at the beginning I was like, I don’t need a man, I want to learn how to be at one with myself and be free.  All I have been doing for the last 6-8 years is be in relationships… Surely, I need some time for myself.

Well in that last 9 months, I’ve felt isolated, I’ve felt lonely, I’ve lost friends and I didn’t gain any new ones.  Maybe I’ve found myself in the sense, that I know being with someone that makes me happy, that makes me feel loved and safe, is the kind of person I am.  It 100% doesn’t take away from the strong individual woman I already am.  I know who I am as a person.

I like vanilla ice-cream and not strawberry (yes, even though it is pink), I like two peppermint teabags in my cup and not one.  I love football and my shoes.  I have strong opinions and don’t back down to intimidation.  Having a man would not compromise that person I am because I know what I deserve.  Being with a person that you love and cherish shouldn’t change who you are, but it can definitely enhance and enrich your life with emotions and feelings that material things cannot.

Someone once told me, “Candice, you like to plan the plan.  You cannot always plan the plan of your life”.  I like to control things.  I like to know when they’re happening, why they’re happening and when they’ll stop, so I can plan the next thing; but in my 29 years on this life, maybe I just supposed to take that leap of faith and just jump. 

And that is what I plan to do, in New Zealand, in 83 days.  Lots of jumping and saying, fuck it, life is too short.

Until next time.

La love,
C. xx

~In loving memory of Mary-Ann – I miss you. I hope you and your Dad are enjoying a cuppa while dipping your toast and watching over us all.  ~

Strong & Tearless.

rose

Every time I go to write this post (or even think about writing it for that matter), I tear up and wonder how much longer I can procrastinate about letting these feelings rise to the surface… I haven’t been strong enough to virtual pen these words to into sentences… until now.

It’s not a newsworthy headlining story but #boyfie and I broke up…

There. It’s out and I’m still tearless. It happened a little while ago, 5 months to be exact. 5 months before I have been somewhat capable of writing it down on a platform like this. This blog has always been like a journal to me; somewhere I can share my feelings and only virtual strangers read it. Most of those close to me already know but admitting I still hurt sometimes, has been hard.

Telling someone how I feel is easy when I don’t know them very well; I can just say it was mutual, I’m fine and walk away. My close friends or workmates see straight through me and it’s a little tougher to be the strong person I am in my heart. They know I’m still hurting yet am trying to be strong. I can get through days, even some weeks and be fine then one small thing triggers my memory and I’m a mess. I’m not in denial either – I know that it’s going to take time to heal; been there and done that before. However, being with someone for such a long time (almost 5 years), it’s going to take a little longer – if it didn’t, I’d be worried I was in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I loved him and I think I will forever… Just over time, the way you love someone changes.

Without going into the finer details, we mutually decided to go our separate ways to work on ourselves. We agreed life has a funny way of working out and we won’t know what the future brings until we are in the moment. There isn’t a day where I don’t think about him, but I know in my heart, it was the right decision. I truly know that in my heart even though my brain says I should have fought harder, stayed to see it out … He needs it and I need it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bloody hurt. Seeing and talking to someone for such a long time, almost every day, is such a hard thing to give up the next day.

There isn’t any sourness, hate or anger between us. In the beginning, I thought that may have been better/easier that way but I know that will prevent me from healing quicker. If anything (from my side anyway), I admire him for being honest and allowing us to make the decision together. I am really looking forward to the time where we can just chat and be friends again; I not only broke up with my boyfriend, but I temporarily lost my bestfriend. We talk occasionally by text or facebook tag but that’s about it. We both need this time to heal which will help our future friendship.

Given I’m now single (I’m still not used to saying that), I have more time alone than I did before. It’s not really like free time, it’s just time alone with my own thoughts. Your own thoughts can be so mean and self-damaging sometimes.

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Why do I feel sad all the time?
  • If only I’d tried harder…
  • If only I did this/that, maybe this wouldn’t have happened…
  • I must have been a horrible girlfriend for him not wanting to stay with me

The trouble with thoughts like this is that this thing really did happen and you now cannot change the past, no matter how hard you try. For all the negative thoughts, there are still positive, happy ones.

  • You’re strong and beautiful – there isn’t anything wrong with you
  • You tried all you could … and even more, if that were possible
  • Gut feelings are very rarely wrong, you did the right thing
  • Look at all the possibilities that might open up for you now, if you just let them…

The negative/mean self-thoughts are not something new to me… I have always doubted my own ability and given myself unreasonable expectations to live up to. I’m not sure why, it’s never been something put on me from anyone else, only myself. In this alone time, part of my search to better myself is to be nicer to myself, to be okay with being alone and feeling content that I only need myself to be okay. If I am content with myself and finding peace in my own company, I can’t imagine how much more will I appreciate the company of my family and friends.

It’s not the end of the road for our friendship or a goodbye – it’s just another chapter in our lives, as separate people.

I know a big sleep will help calm my thoughts and body. Tomorrow is a new day; one to cherish, have fun, laugh, smile and find the light in something dark.

La love,
C. xx

Brain Vs Heart.

Have you ever given up something because it was the “right thing” do” in your brain and everyone else is advising it but in your heart you truly know you don’t want to? Does that even make sense? Let me put some context around it. 

The long and short of it for those who haven’t been around for my entire blog journey; in 2013 I snapped my ACL in my right knee which sidelined my football career, indefinitely.  It took doctors 9 months and arthroscopic surgery (which turned into a full knee reconstruction) to diagnose the snap and then a good 18 month recovery to be full healed and ready to play again… but I’ve never gone back.

To this day, I wish I still played. Every day football consumes my thoughts and it hurts to watch people play well into their life while I’m sidelined in my 20’s. Having injured 2 ligaments in the same knee, it most certainly feels like the “right thing” to do. My career cannot afford another injury. 

Sidelined. Am I truly sidelined though? My brain certainly still believes that. What about the countless hours spent in the gym conditioning my knee to be just as strong as my “good” one? They have to count for something, right? I shouldn’t have good and bad knees, they’re both as “good” as each other now. 

My heart believes otherwise. It believes I’m mentally sidelined. It wants another crack at football.  A chance to feel my cleats pierce the turf, breathe in the freedom the next 90 minutes will bring and the white line fever bubbling in my veins. There is no Candice without football. I’ve been trying to compensate by writing college projects, volunteering on events and coaching but nothing beats playing.

I guess the bigger question here is, “Why do we give up things that bring us the most joy and love?” 

This wider observation was brought on by my PT last week. We were talking after life threw me another curveball in my #roadtofifa2022 journey. She said, “I think you need to start doing that thing you used to do all the time.” At first, I did think she was thinking about football. (Of course, because we just established I love football more than anything, except maybe #boyfie 😁) However, she was talking about blogging and when I registered the comment in my brain, I thought, she’s right. I love blogging! (Except when my keyboard on my tablet refuses to auto-punctuate. Super frustrating! 😣)

I don’t do this for anyone else.  I do it to mentally dump everything out of my brain and vent to the billions of people in this world who fail to know I exist. I stopped blogging so much because I started a new job at Ricoh, did my event  diploma got lazy. There is no other explanation or excuse. I make time for work, gym and socialising. Why can’t I take the time out again to blog 5 minutes every couple of days? I currently use gym as my physical vice (this has replaced football) to get my anger/stress out so why not rekindle my mental vice as well? 

 I have plans for pulling the cleats out and freshening them up. I need the weather to warm up first but I guarantee this summer, they will see the light of day again instead of the inside of the Nike box they currently live in. Maybe I need a new pair? 🤔 Hello http://www.prodirectsoccer.com 😂

No one should have to give up things they love, if there is another option to make it happen. Say yes, make time, take (calculated) risks because the feeling of joy and freedom outweighs the regret and disappointment of not having tried one more time. 

La love,
C. xx