Brain Vs Heart.

Have you ever given up something because it was the “right thing” do” in your brain and everyone else is advising it but in your heart you truly know you don’t want to? Does that even make sense? Let me put some context around it. 

The long and short of it for those who haven’t been around for my entire blog journey; in 2013 I snapped my ACL in my right knee which sidelined my football career, indefinitely.  It took doctors 9 months and arthroscopic surgery (which turned into a full knee reconstruction) to diagnose the snap and then a good 18 month recovery to be full healed and ready to play again… but I’ve never gone back.

To this day, I wish I still played. Every day football consumes my thoughts and it hurts to watch people play well into their life while I’m sidelined in my 20’s. Having injured 2 ligaments in the same knee, it most certainly feels like the “right thing” to do. My career cannot afford another injury. 

Sidelined. Am I truly sidelined though? My brain certainly still believes that. What about the countless hours spent in the gym conditioning my knee to be just as strong as my “good” one? They have to count for something, right? I shouldn’t have good and bad knees, they’re both as “good” as each other now. 

My heart believes otherwise. It believes I’m mentally sidelined. It wants another crack at football.  A chance to feel my cleats pierce the turf, breathe in the freedom the next 90 minutes will bring and the white line fever bubbling in my veins. There is no Candice without football. I’ve been trying to compensate by writing college projects, volunteering on events and coaching but nothing beats playing.

I guess the bigger question here is, “Why do we give up things that bring us the most joy and love?” 

This wider observation was brought on by my PT last week. We were talking after life threw me another curveball in my #roadtofifa2022 journey. She said, “I think you need to start doing that thing you used to do all the time.” At first, I did think she was thinking about football. (Of course, because we just established I love football more than anything, except maybe #boyfie 😁) However, she was talking about blogging and when I registered the comment in my brain, I thought, she’s right. I love blogging! (Except when my keyboard on my tablet refuses to auto-punctuate. Super frustrating! 😣)

I don’t do this for anyone else.  I do it to mentally dump everything out of my brain and vent to the billions of people in this world who fail to know I exist. I stopped blogging so much because I started a new job at Ricoh, did my event  diploma got lazy. There is no other explanation or excuse. I make time for work, gym and socialising. Why can’t I take the time out again to blog 5 minutes every couple of days? I currently use gym as my physical vice (this has replaced football) to get my anger/stress out so why not rekindle my mental vice as well? 

 I have plans for pulling the cleats out and freshening them up. I need the weather to warm up first but I guarantee this summer, they will see the light of day again instead of the inside of the Nike box they currently live in. Maybe I need a new pair? 🤔 Hello 😂

No one should have to give up things they love, if there is another option to make it happen. Say yes, make time, take (calculated) risks because the feeling of joy and freedom outweighs the regret and disappointment of not having tried one more time. 

La love,
C. xx

Dream Team Challenge – Day 9

Image by Jade Lee Mind Body Transformations

Evening! Today brings around day 9 of this 30 day mind and body challenge.

This evening I went to dinner with Melbourne Victory at the Football Federation Victoria Gold Medal Dinner.  It’s a smaller version of what the AFL call the Brownlow Medal.  I took the day off as a long weekend, to get myself looking all pretty and things for the evening. Got my hair curled, makeup done and wore this amazing dress. I felt pretty.


Today was all about visualizing your dreams and goals again but this time as a whole and not just about your body.  Where do you want to do in life; what do you want to do; do you have  term goals that you are currently working towards?

What is my greatest dream?  This one was so easy for me, I could say it in my sleep!

I want to attend the 2022 FIFA World Cup.  Dream BIG! You never know how far you can go until you try.

So that’s the end goal.  What’s the plan?  I’m still working on it.. However, I have now completed my Event Management Diploma, I’ve been volunteering non-stop with major sporting clubs like Melbourne Victory and I just need 1 person to believe in me enough to give me a go in a different career.

This is a huge long-term goal – 6 years from now.  I have no idea what I am doing next week but hopefully, it’s something that will make this dream a little bit closer and a little more real.

#Footballisforever. As I have said many many times, football is my freedom and I will stop at nothing to get where I want to be. What are your biggest hopes, dreams and goals? Think about that.

C. xx

Setbacks and Comebacks.

Since the below post, I’ve trained less and been to the physio more.  It’s not something I wanted to happen but no one wants to get injured.  Sometimes it just happens. To make matters worse, I’ve somehow managed to injure my left wrist (goodness knows how) and that is also slowing down my gym progress. I’ve trained at Stryve twice since this hip flexor incident and I’ve been to one boot camp.  I’ve visited my physio more times that I have made it to the gym in the last month.

Tonight I’ve come home from visiting Physio John, with a bunch of new exercises to add into my regime of physiotherapy.  Tonight was hard for me.  Any time where I cannot master something in one or two goes, it makes me angry and frustrated which mentally and physically compromises my ability to perform the moves correctly and make any progress.  I know physio is a long road and not a quick fix.  After 2 major knee injuries, you’d think I’d be used to physio and how many hours, days, weeks and months it can take to heal an injury.  My problem is that I am impatient and I want something to work now, so I can get to where I want to be, without delays.

I have 2 new moves.

The first one is called a striding lunge. Instead of your standard equal body weight lunge, I am putting more weight on my front leg my leaning forward.  I still need to keep my knee over my toe and stop leaning forward when I get to the point of my knee being unsteady.  I also need to make sure my hips are levels and not uneven. I then come back up, relax all my muscles and start again.

The second exercise seems too simple but it was more frustrating than the lunge.  I simply have to neutrally sit on a exercise/fit ball, activate my transverse abdominals and lift up my calf muscle on one leg, without activating my hip flexor.  Seems pretty simple however with an over active hip flexor, this almost made me walk out.  I tried it maybe half a dozen times and only 50% of the time was I doing it right.  I mean, 50% is better than 0% but I’m still 50% off where I need to be. It is a lot harder than I expected but since I have a exercise ball at work, I can seriously concentrate on mastering this while I’m working.

There was a third exercise that I was supposed to do.  I am to lay on my stomach, bend my leg up at a 90 degree angle and lift my quadricep off the floor and maybe hold for a couple of seconds, then put my quad back on the floor and bring my leg back down to being straight. Sounds pretty simple except my hamstrings cramp up at any thought of bringing my foot back towards my glutes.

Physio John said that it was because my hamstrings are weak.  I said they’re not weak and he replied, they are. I could feel this instant anger inside me, like I was offended because I feel like he is calling weak.  My hamstrings are a part of me so that makes me entirely weak.  However after I thought about it on the drive home, I know I’m not weak.  I am much, much stronger than I used to be and one muscle in my body that is not strong now, doesn’t define my whole body.  I am strong as a person and one muscle who still needs training will not determine the type of person I am.

I have to do most of my other exercises I’ve already been doing, so the list is just getting longer and the time it takes to do them is getting longer. Sorry John, if you are reading this, but I am struggling to fit in 2 sets per day.  I do my best but sometimes I do only fit in one set.  I feel like that is better than no sets though.

I’m just frustrated.  Frustrated that I am always hurting somewhere and I cannot catch a break to get into the gym seriously and smash out some goals.  I will get there.  I know it takes time.

I know most of my posts are just informing you guys of what is happening in my life, to those who still read.  I feel like I want to hear from anyone that has gone through years and years of rehab.  How did you stay focused?  What kept you going?  I won’t give up, I am not that type of person (or I thought I was) but some days, I just feel like my body hates me.

I’ll be back soon to full strength and I’ve have conditioned my body in a way where I know what is right and how I need to move in order to stay healthy.  I will also have stronger and more active muscles which will assist in keeping my body healthy and safe from injury.

If you ever need a physio, I highly recommend John @ Sunbury Physiotherapy Centre.  Even though our physio/patient stint has only been 3 to 4 weeks, he has been worth every penny I’ve spent.  He is really supportive of what I am going through, so thorough with what exercises he is giving me,  why I need to do them and where they are working.  He’s just an all round nice person who genuinely wants to help people.  A+ human being! You can find the clinic here.

La Love,
C. x


Emotions and Updates.

It’s Monday morning.  I am supposed to be refreshed and rested from the weekend, ready to tackle the next 5 days. Nope that’s not happening.  I’m still exhausted and the weekend didn’t help to relieve that all all.

I tried to study.  I really did.  However, exhaustion just gets in the way and my time is spent just staring at my laptop screen rather than doing any productive work.   School is on mid-semester break this week which means I don’t have to go there tonight or Wednesday.  I do still have to go to work but at least I can come home earlier and maybe even go to sleep earlier.

There are exactly 60 days until I need to submit my assignment.  That means there are 68 days until I pitch my idea to the judging panel.  I’m still slugging along at all the briefs and any mini assignments and quizzes that come along.  My average is still sitting above 90 which is good.  I plan to keep it there.  I just need to take it a step at a time and not get too caught up in how much work I have left to do.  I just need to focus on getting one thing done, then moving on to the next item.

All I can imagine is seeing my event being staged here.  The idea is amazing.  I just need to execute the pitch perfect.


Enough about study.  It’s getting there. I’m just thinking of all the free time I am going to have when it’s done.

Let’s chat about the update that I was supposed to give you a week ago but just haven’t had the time to get on here for a good half an hour to tell you.

My weekly boxing class finished up last Tuesday and will not be available next term.  To tell you the truth, I’m pretty disappointed or pissed off.  Whatever way you want to look at it.  It was one of the main reasons I was still making it to the gym.  I thoroughly enjoy belting the crap out of the pads each week and relieving some stress from the week before.  Now it’s not available, I’ve had to rethink the structure of my week and finances and whether it’s really worth paying for something that I am not going to use to it’s full potential.

I cancelled my membership at the gym. Yep.  Sometimes it’s just not worth it.  At the moment, between work and study, I’m making it to the gym an average of once a week.  That’s almost $18 a session and I could find a better use for the fee.  I have until the end of October (and another fee payment) to keep going due to the notice period in the contract.

That brings me to my second update.  I’m going to start doing PT with Jade, my trainer at the gym. She runs her own business.  You can find it here and here.  I’m super excited about it.  We will be training at the gym she trains at, Stryve Gym: Ultimate Training Centre.  I went for a little look-see on Friday night with #boyfie and I definitely wasn’t prepared for what I saw.  Now, I’m terrified.  I know it’s going to be a better option for me but that doesn’t stop me from overthinking the situation. PT will be on Thursday evenings.  When my course is over, I will have a look at joining Stryve

Another session we have going at the moment is our kickboxing bootcamp on Sunday’s.  It was a normal bootcamp session which all kinds of things thrown in but since boxing has been removed from Tuesday evenings, Jade decided to change the session and keep it just boxing/kickboxing.  I love it.  I have bruised some tendons in my left hand knuckles (from punching too hard of course *wink face*) so I’ve been taking it a little easy.  I need to ice it some more today as I thought it was fine coming into yesterday’s session, but surprise surprise, it wasn’t and I need to try out some lighter gloves.

I have one other update in which I need to tell you guys.  Last Thursday, I kicked and trained with a football.  It was one of the most satisfying training sessions I’ve ever experienced.  It wasn’t anything special.  We just passed the ball around in a circle, had some shots on goal and played a miniature game.  I felt the freedom of the field flow back into my body.  I felt the crunch of the grass under my studs.  It sounds a little strange, but for a footballer (or maybe just my weird self) there is nothing more important at that time, except you, the ball and the field. I was and am so proud of myself for pushing through the recovery of my knee reconstruction.  Day 595 and football is back in my blood baby! 🙂 YEW! Maybe I’ll be able to don the green kit again for Rangers, just like this. ❤


That’s about all I have for now.  My PT session is on Thursday evening, so hopefully I can give you an update after that and let you know that I didn’t collapse and I’m okay.