Strong & Tearless.

rose

Every time I go to write this post (or even think about writing it for that matter), I tear up and wonder how much longer I can procrastinate about letting these feelings rise to the surface… I haven’t been strong enough to virtual pen these words to into sentences… until now.

It’s not a newsworthy headlining story but #boyfie and I broke up…

There. It’s out and I’m still tearless. It happened a little while ago, 5 months to be exact. 5 months before I have been somewhat capable of writing it down on a platform like this. This blog has always been like a journal to me; somewhere I can share my feelings and only virtual strangers read it. Most of those close to me already know but admitting I still hurt sometimes, has been hard.

Telling someone how I feel is easy when I don’t know them very well; I can just say it was mutual, I’m fine and walk away. My close friends or workmates see straight through me and it’s a little tougher to be the strong person I am in my heart. They know I’m still hurting yet am trying to be strong. I can get through days, even some weeks and be fine then one small thing triggers my memory and I’m a mess. I’m not in denial either – I know that it’s going to take time to heal; been there and done that before. However, being with someone for such a long time (almost 5 years), it’s going to take a little longer – if it didn’t, I’d be worried I was in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I loved him and I think I will forever… Just over time, the way you love someone changes.

Without going into the finer details, we mutually decided to go our separate ways to work on ourselves. We agreed life has a funny way of working out and we won’t know what the future brings until we are in the moment. There isn’t a day where I don’t think about him, but I know in my heart, it was the right decision. I truly know that in my heart even though my brain says I should have fought harder, stayed to see it out … He needs it and I need it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bloody hurt. Seeing and talking to someone for such a long time, almost every day, is such a hard thing to give up the next day.

There isn’t any sourness, hate or anger between us. In the beginning, I thought that may have been better/easier that way but I know that will prevent me from healing quicker. If anything (from my side anyway), I admire him for being honest and allowing us to make the decision together. I am really looking forward to the time where we can just chat and be friends again; I not only broke up with my boyfriend, but I temporarily lost my bestfriend. We talk occasionally by text or facebook tag but that’s about it. We both need this time to heal which will help our future friendship.

Given I’m now single (I’m still not used to saying that), I have more time alone than I did before. It’s not really like free time, it’s just time alone with my own thoughts. Your own thoughts can be so mean and self-damaging sometimes.

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Why do I feel sad all the time?
  • If only I’d tried harder…
  • If only I did this/that, maybe this wouldn’t have happened…
  • I must have been a horrible girlfriend for him not wanting to stay with me

The trouble with thoughts like this is that this thing really did happen and you now cannot change the past, no matter how hard you try. For all the negative thoughts, there are still positive, happy ones.

  • You’re strong and beautiful – there isn’t anything wrong with you
  • You tried all you could … and even more, if that were possible
  • Gut feelings are very rarely wrong, you did the right thing
  • Look at all the possibilities that might open up for you now, if you just let them…

The negative/mean self-thoughts are not something new to me… I have always doubted my own ability and given myself unreasonable expectations to live up to. I’m not sure why, it’s never been something put on me from anyone else, only myself. In this alone time, part of my search to better myself is to be nicer to myself, to be okay with being alone and feeling content that I only need myself to be okay. If I am content with myself and finding peace in my own company, I can’t imagine how much more will I appreciate the company of my family and friends.

It’s not the end of the road for our friendship or a goodbye – it’s just another chapter in our lives, as separate people.

I know a big sleep will help calm my thoughts and body. Tomorrow is a new day; one to cherish, have fun, laugh, smile and find the light in something dark.

La love,
C. xx

Advertisements

Brain Vs Heart.

Have you ever given up something because it was the “right thing” do” in your brain and everyone else is advising it but in your heart you truly know you don’t want to? Does that even make sense? Let me put some context around it. 

The long and short of it for those who haven’t been around for my entire blog journey; in 2013 I snapped my ACL in my right knee which sidelined my football career, indefinitely.  It took doctors 9 months and arthroscopic surgery (which turned into a full knee reconstruction) to diagnose the snap and then a good 18 month recovery to be full healed and ready to play again… but I’ve never gone back.

To this day, I wish I still played. Every day football consumes my thoughts and it hurts to watch people play well into their life while I’m sidelined in my 20’s. Having injured 2 ligaments in the same knee, it most certainly feels like the “right thing” to do. My career cannot afford another injury. 

Sidelined. Am I truly sidelined though? My brain certainly still believes that. What about the countless hours spent in the gym conditioning my knee to be just as strong as my “good” one? They have to count for something, right? I shouldn’t have good and bad knees, they’re both as “good” as each other now. 

My heart believes otherwise. It believes I’m mentally sidelined. It wants another crack at football.  A chance to feel my cleats pierce the turf, breathe in the freedom the next 90 minutes will bring and the white line fever bubbling in my veins. There is no Candice without football. I’ve been trying to compensate by writing college projects, volunteering on events and coaching but nothing beats playing.

I guess the bigger question here is, “Why do we give up things that bring us the most joy and love?” 

This wider observation was brought on by my PT last week. We were talking after life threw me another curveball in my #roadtofifa2022 journey. She said, “I think you need to start doing that thing you used to do all the time.” At first, I did think she was thinking about football. (Of course, because we just established I love football more than anything, except maybe #boyfie ūüėĀ) However, she was talking about blogging and when I registered the comment in my brain, I thought, she’s right. I love blogging! (Except when my keyboard on my tablet refuses to auto-punctuate. Super frustrating! ūüė£)

I don’t do this for anyone else.  I do it to mentally dump everything out of my brain and vent to the billions of people in this world who fail to know I exist. I stopped blogging so much because I started a new job at Ricoh, did my event  diploma got lazy. There is no other explanation or excuse. I make time for work, gym and socialising. Why can’t I take the time out again to blog 5 minutes every couple of days? I currently use gym as my physical vice (this has replaced football) to get my anger/stress out so why not rekindle my mental vice as well? 

 I have plans for pulling the cleats out and freshening them up. I need the weather to warm up first but I guarantee this summer, they will see the light of day again instead of the inside of the Nike box they currently live in. Maybe I need a new pair? ūü§Ē Hello http://www.prodirectsoccer.com ūüėā

No one should have to give up things they love, if there is another option to make it happen. Say yes, make time, take (calculated) risks because the feeling of joy and freedom outweighs the regret and disappointment of not having tried one more time. 

La love,
C. xx

Dream Team Challenge – Day 3

Today is my second day of a two day cleanse. ¬†Sometimes, the first day is easier, sometimes the second day is easier. ¬†This time, the second day has been easier, until around dinner time when I became moody because I’m almost over the line but #boyfie’s dinner smelt amazing.

I didn’t give in. I stayed true to my proper servings of protein bites and I’m about to drink a herbal tea before going to bed. I’ve had a pretty epic day of shopping and that has made me tired and grumpy because it took so long to find what I wanted – being the type of person who doesn’t give up, I found what I wanted which now I am happy.

Today’s daily task was another thinking/pondering my inner self.

The Question: What do you do for you every day that you love?

I honestly couldn’t answer the question because I don’t have an answer. ¬†I cannot think of something that I do every day that is just for myself, that I love. ¬†Sure I do things that I love every day, but they aren’t specifically dedicated to me and my own happiness.

The goal by the end of this 30 days is to have something that I can look forward to every day that is just for me.  Whether that is training at the gym every day or taking 5 minutes to relax with meditation, I will have something.

Sometimes it only takes one person to ask you “What do you love?” to realise that you need to be honest with yourself and say “Is what I am currently doing in life making me the happiest I could be?”… Better still, if it isn’t making you ecstatic, what can you do to get there? Those are the big questions…

Leave a comment with something you love to do every day, just for yourself.

#conquer
C.xx

lvoeyourself

Dream Team Challenge ‚Äď Day 2

jade day 2
Image by Jade Lee Mind Body Transformations

Today brings around Day 2 of our 30 Day Challenge and I’m not in a good head space.

I’m on a deep cleanse day, day 1 of 2. This means I am ridding my body of toxins, using a method of intermittent fasting. Normally, when I do these, I am in a good head space and I’ve eaten enough food the night before to feel comfortable not eating for a couple of days. ¬†I still drink water, herbal teas and snack on milk protein bites to regulate my sugar levels, however I do not have any solid foods or other liquids for these 2 days.

Last night, I was not happy with the dinner I ate (as in I don’t think I ate enough) and it’s just snowballed from there. ¬†I’ve eaten more than the recommended amount of the milk protein bites but I’ve kept up my herbal tea and the no solid foods, which is a good thing.

That’s all I’ve had today to eat/drink so nothing else to report there.

Moving on to our daily task for the challenge. ¬†As I said yesterday, this is a mind and body challenge. ¬†Some days aren’t always going to be physical, like today. Jade wants to know what we love. ¬†What we love about our lives, our job, ourselves and what we can do to help turn negatives into positives. ¬†She also wants to know what the biggest thing is that we can control over these 30 days. So there are my answers… (with a little more detail than the post on our Facebook page).

1. What do love about yourself?
This question is designed to make you think about yourself deeply. ¬†Most people looking for a change, are looking because they don’t like something about themselves. ¬†They don’t like their weight or their appearance. ¬†However, to be content with yourself and move forward positively in your life, you need to know what you DO love about yourself.

I love my competitiveness.  Competition is healthy and it makes me work harder and smarter.  I love my desire to want to achieve greatness.  Achieve greatness how?  Reach all my goals I set and then create news ones and smash those out of the park as well.  I want to build my company up and become a successful business and will do everything I can to make that happen.  One other part of me that I love is my strength to just keep going when things are tough.  People look up to those people who are strong, loving and genuinely care about others.  I would like to think one day, I can help someone stay strong and get through because I was strong for both of us.

2. What do you love about your life?
This question took me a few goes to find a proper answer. ¬†I wrote an answer and then said, I’m just writing it to have something. ¬†These things don’t make you happy. ¬†It is really important to find something in life that you love in order to keep a healthy mind and soul. ¬†

I love that my small circle of friends are so supportive. ¬†I don’t have many close friends but that’s okay. ¬†The ones I do have, have my back when they need it and I have their shoulders to shed tears on, if I ever need that. ¬†It’s not about quantity, it’s about QUALITY. ¬†I didn’t write this in the group but I am also grateful for football being back in my life. ¬†It’s a strange thing to say, a piece of sporting equipment makes your life better; but it does for me. ¬†The small round ball is my freedom. ¬†When I was playing, there was nothing else that mattered for that 90 minutes out of the field. ¬†Just me, the ball and the back of the net. Now I can’t play, I’ve been given an opportunity to help out with some football clubs and I’ve taken that with both hands and will run with it for as long as I can. Football is life for me.

3. What do you love about your workplace?
I’ll be totally honest – my work is frustrating me right now. ¬†Maybe it’s a speed hump, maybe it’s not. ¬†However, going with our positive mind-set and thinking, just because I don’t like my job at the moment, doesn’t mean I can’t get something positive out of it. ¬†It is important to find that happy balance. ¬†Let’s face the facts, I spend a good 40 hours there a week. ¬†That’s a decent chunk of my life. ¬†

I don’t love my job but I love that it’s given me experience. ¬†Life experience, corporate world experience and even better for me, event planning experience. I can then use this experience to eventually move into the role that I will love and radiate happiness everywhere. ¬†

4. What can you do to change your negatives to positives?
Turning negatives into positives can be a tricky situation.  Sometimes, we like to wallow in self-pity at our negatives because it takes more energy to be happy and try to find the positives.  This 30 Day Challenge is about retraining our mind to see the positives in something before we even see the negatives.  By the end of this challenge, positive thoughts will fill all of our minds before the negative ones do.

To help me realise the positives and have that mind shift away from negatives, I need to be able to accept the things I cannot change and move on. ¬†If I cannot control it with my mind or my physical self, then it’s not worth worrying about and getting worked up. ¬†I also need to remember and keep telling myself that success isn’t an overnight thing. ¬†It takes time and hard work. ¬†I know I am up for the work but I struggle with not having success now. ¬†In a society where we want everything now, success is something that takes it’s time. ¬†I can only do so much to control how successful I am. ¬†I can only do as much as I can do, then it becomes something I cannot control and I just need to go for the ride.

5. What’s the biggest thing you’re going to take control of over the next 30 days!!
This question is about control and that is something that I like having.  I am in control of my own life, mindset and goals.  Self-sabotage is my biggest weakness so that is something I am learning to control over these 30 days. 

I will be taking control of my eating habits and making sure i am sticking to my meal plan.  The meal plan works and if I want to get where I want to be, there is no excuses.  I also need to be a little more positive in my thoughts and give myself a little credit for all the things I have achieved so far.

How’s that for deep cleansing and thinking??

#conquer
C. xx