Strong & Tearless.

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Every time I go to write this post (or even think about writing it for that matter), I tear up and wonder how much longer I can procrastinate about letting these feelings rise to the surface… I haven’t been strong enough to virtual pen these words to into sentences… until now.

It’s not a newsworthy headlining story but #boyfie and I broke up…

There. It’s out and I’m still tearless. It happened a little while ago, 5 months to be exact. 5 months before I have been somewhat capable of writing it down on a platform like this. This blog has always been like a journal to me; somewhere I can share my feelings and only virtual strangers read it. Most of those close to me already know but admitting I still hurt sometimes, has been hard.

Telling someone how I feel is easy when I don’t know them very well; I can just say it was mutual, I’m fine and walk away. My close friends or workmates see straight through me and it’s a little tougher to be the strong person I am in my heart. They know I’m still hurting yet am trying to be strong. I can get through days, even some weeks and be fine then one small thing triggers my memory and I’m a mess. I’m not in denial either – I know that it’s going to take time to heal; been there and done that before. However, being with someone for such a long time (almost 5 years), it’s going to take a little longer – if it didn’t, I’d be worried I was in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I loved him and I think I will forever… Just over time, the way you love someone changes.

Without going into the finer details, we mutually decided to go our separate ways to work on ourselves. We agreed life has a funny way of working out and we won’t know what the future brings until we are in the moment. There isn’t a day where I don’t think about him, but I know in my heart, it was the right decision. I truly know that in my heart even though my brain says I should have fought harder, stayed to see it out … He needs it and I need it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bloody hurt. Seeing and talking to someone for such a long time, almost every day, is such a hard thing to give up the next day.

There isn’t any sourness, hate or anger between us. In the beginning, I thought that may have been better/easier that way but I know that will prevent me from healing quicker. If anything (from my side anyway), I admire him for being honest and allowing us to make the decision together. I am really looking forward to the time where we can just chat and be friends again; I not only broke up with my boyfriend, but I temporarily lost my bestfriend. We talk occasionally by text or facebook tag but that’s about it. We both need this time to heal which will help our future friendship.

Given I’m now single (I’m still not used to saying that), I have more time alone than I did before. It’s not really like free time, it’s just time alone with my own thoughts. Your own thoughts can be so mean and self-damaging sometimes.

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Why do I feel sad all the time?
  • If only I’d tried harder…
  • If only I did this/that, maybe this wouldn’t have happened…
  • I must have been a horrible girlfriend for him not wanting to stay with me

The trouble with thoughts like this is that this thing really did happen and you now cannot change the past, no matter how hard you try. For all the negative thoughts, there are still positive, happy ones.

  • You’re strong and beautiful – there isn’t anything wrong with you
  • You tried all you could … and even more, if that were possible
  • Gut feelings are very rarely wrong, you did the right thing
  • Look at all the possibilities that might open up for you now, if you just let them…

The negative/mean self-thoughts are not something new to me… I have always doubted my own ability and given myself unreasonable expectations to live up to. I’m not sure why, it’s never been something put on me from anyone else, only myself. In this alone time, part of my search to better myself is to be nicer to myself, to be okay with being alone and feeling content that I only need myself to be okay. If I am content with myself and finding peace in my own company, I can’t imagine how much more will I appreciate the company of my family and friends.

It’s not the end of the road for our friendship or a goodbye – it’s just another chapter in our lives, as separate people.

I know a big sleep will help calm my thoughts and body. Tomorrow is a new day; one to cherish, have fun, laugh, smile and find the light in something dark.

La love,
C. xx

Brain Vs Heart.

Have you ever given up something because it was the “right thing” do” in your brain and everyone else is advising it but in your heart you truly know you don’t want to? Does that even make sense? Let me put some context around it. 

The long and short of it for those who haven’t been around for my entire blog journey; in 2013 I snapped my ACL in my right knee which sidelined my football career, indefinitely.  It took doctors 9 months and arthroscopic surgery (which turned into a full knee reconstruction) to diagnose the snap and then a good 18 month recovery to be full healed and ready to play again… but I’ve never gone back.

To this day, I wish I still played. Every day football consumes my thoughts and it hurts to watch people play well into their life while I’m sidelined in my 20’s. Having injured 2 ligaments in the same knee, it most certainly feels like the “right thing” to do. My career cannot afford another injury. 

Sidelined. Am I truly sidelined though? My brain certainly still believes that. What about the countless hours spent in the gym conditioning my knee to be just as strong as my “good” one? They have to count for something, right? I shouldn’t have good and bad knees, they’re both as “good” as each other now. 

My heart believes otherwise. It believes I’m mentally sidelined. It wants another crack at football.  A chance to feel my cleats pierce the turf, breathe in the freedom the next 90 minutes will bring and the white line fever bubbling in my veins. There is no Candice without football. I’ve been trying to compensate by writing college projects, volunteering on events and coaching but nothing beats playing.

I guess the bigger question here is, “Why do we give up things that bring us the most joy and love?” 

This wider observation was brought on by my PT last week. We were talking after life threw me another curveball in my #roadtofifa2022 journey. She said, “I think you need to start doing that thing you used to do all the time.” At first, I did think she was thinking about football. (Of course, because we just established I love football more than anything, except maybe #boyfie ūüėĀ) However, she was talking about blogging and when I registered the comment in my brain, I thought, she’s right. I love blogging! (Except when my keyboard on my tablet refuses to auto-punctuate. Super frustrating! ūüė£)

I don’t do this for anyone else.  I do it to mentally dump everything out of my brain and vent to the billions of people in this world who fail to know I exist. I stopped blogging so much because I started a new job at Ricoh, did my event  diploma got lazy. There is no other explanation or excuse. I make time for work, gym and socialising. Why can’t I take the time out again to blog 5 minutes every couple of days? I currently use gym as my physical vice (this has replaced football) to get my anger/stress out so why not rekindle my mental vice as well? 

 I have plans for pulling the cleats out and freshening them up. I need the weather to warm up first but I guarantee this summer, they will see the light of day again instead of the inside of the Nike box they currently live in. Maybe I need a new pair? ūü§Ē Hello http://www.prodirectsoccer.com ūüėā

No one should have to give up things they love, if there is another option to make it happen. Say yes, make time, take (calculated) risks because the feeling of joy and freedom outweighs the regret and disappointment of not having tried one more time. 

La love,
C. xx

I’m Home.

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I have missed blogging. ¬†I don’t do it for the followers or the likes; (although I do love all the nice comments and likes I get from you guys so please don’t stop!) I do it for the relief¬†and the relaxed feeling I get when I get everything off my chest. ¬†It is a safe place for me even though billions of people in the world wide web have access to it. ¬†I know some of my closest friends and my mum read it which I appreciate. ¬†Sometimes it’s really hard to speak about things and so much easier to write them down as you are feeling them.

I always thought I would eventually just post about one thing and recreate my blog as a single topic, whether that be photography, sports, fitness or whatever I liked. ¬†However, with the last 12 months being so hectic and me being so absent, it has sat here neglected, with no new life. ¬†I still don’t have a single topic and I am not sure I ever will. I do like just posting random things that are going on in my life but I also like the idea of having a single topic to talk about. In saying that, any blogging is good blogging.

As I have said previously, last ¬†year, 2015, was absolutely hectic. ¬†I was studying an Event Management Diploma, working a full time job and trying to fit in some kind of social and fitness life. ¬†Towards the end of the year, I stopped going out, I stopped going to the gym and I even took 2 weeks (days here and there) off from work just to get my study done. It was hard. ¬†Harder that I ever imagined it would be. ¬†At the beginning, I was acing all my assignments and my quizzes with plenty of time to spare. ¬†At the end, I was just submitting them in the middle of the night or finishing my quizzes at work because I ran out of time. ¬†Luckily (or due to no sleep and lots of study) my average for marks stayed above 90% for my entire diploma.¬†What’s that? A distinction or High Distinction?¬†With everything that happened last year, I am proud to say that it one hell of an achievement. ¬†It was my goal to be the best I could be and I certainly did myself proud, as well as my parents and all my friends and work colleagues that supported my through the year.

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My project ended by looking exactly how I wanted it to.  Everything was perfect.  I did not get to proof read it as well as I would have liked but there is nothing I can do about that now.  Hey, remember those jerseys I designed for my project that my teams where going to wear?  Well yeah, I ended up getting them printed up.  How amazing do they look?  I wore one of the to my major project pitch and I know it definitely helped my presentation.  My panel loved them and I felt so comfortable in them, being in my natural football environment.

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I am still awaiting my final results for my major project and my pitch. ¬†They should arrive in the next week or two. ¬†In an age where everything needs to be urgent and emails ping our inboxes quicker than ever before, my college is still posting out our official results by snail mail. ¬†I cannot remember the last time that I received something in the mail that wasn’t a bill, a bank statement or junk mail. ¬†I just wish they would hurry up.

I had my graduation on the 15th December 2015, so I know I passed. YAY! I got to make a speech to the entire audience on behalf of my class.  That was a little daunting but I did have one of my classmates with me so that made me feel a little less nervous.  I also had the honour of winning 2 awards.

Most Engaging Major Project Pitch – Industry Standard Pitch College Award – Demonstrating Leadership, Integrity and College Spirit

I had absolutely no idea I was going to receive these and I feel very humble that my fellow students and lecturers believed in me enough to award these to me.

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I’ve always said that I felt like I was missing out without a shiny piece of paper saying that I had achieved something post school era. ¬†A lot of my friends and #boyfie have degrees and I’ve always felt a little left out. ¬†Now that I have my own shiny piece of post school achievement, I feel like I belong in the world and that I have closed in the tiny hole that always sat inside me for not continuing with my study.

That means I am officially qualified to run any event.. or help out on it. I know that technically you don’t need a piece of paper to do that, but now studying and seeing this field of work, it definitely helps. ¬†Every event I go to now, without knowing, I critique everything that is there. ¬†The lighting, the sound, the food, all the way down to the decor and candles people have decided to use. ¬†It is annoying but it’s also great that I can use my knowledge to help people or remember what looks good or bad for any event that I help out on.

People have been asking me what I am going to do now… Am I going to venture out into the events world and leave my day job or stay where I am and not use the knowledge I now have? ¬†I’d like to say both. ¬†I definitely want to stay in loop and work within the industry but I also know that I have a great job and I don’t want to loose that either. ¬†I will be doing my best to juggle them both until I cannot do it any longer. ¬†Sporting events is where I want to be and it always has been. ¬†Whether I am just attending them or help running them, I will always love them. ¬†The FIFA World Cup is my dream and I will get there, one way or another. ¬†As a spectator or an official helper, I am not sure yet but it is my number one goal (apart from seeing Liverpool play at Anfield). ¬†I will get there. ¬†(Side note: If anyone knows how I can get into a gig like this, please email me or use the contact page!)

I’ve missed you guys and I’ve missed feeling like myself. Welcome back guys and welcome back normal life. ¬†It is good to be back.

La Love,
C. xx

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Another New Year… New Plan

There are so many things that I have wanted to post about yet I haven’t posted a single one?

Why is that? I’ve been off work since 23rd December and it’s now 3rd January. 10 days should be plenty of time.

I’ve had Christmas and New Years in between then and a whole lot of other activities going on which have taken up some time. Now, I have to go back to work tomorrow for another year but I do not want to spend another year away from my blog, away from the gym and away from you guys.

What is the plan for the year? I’m not 100% sure. Last year I made some pretty big goals and I didn’t achieve any of them because I was studying. (I’ll will also try get around to updating everyone on that as well) This year I just want to be a stronger and fitter person, blog regularly and follow my new dreams of running events.

I’ve eaten way too much bad food in this break and my body is suffering. Time to fuel it with nutritious foods and exercise to get it back to normal. Today I plan on buying a new pantry full of clean foods, cooking up a storm and catching up on sleep so I’m ready for the work week and an early wake up time.

Catch up soon fellow bloggers. I’ve missed everyone.

La love,
C. xx

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