Clarity.

I don’t really have a purpose of this post, it’s just another brain dump that might help me get to sleep.

Since my last post, I got a new job. Laughable or not, it’s back with the company that made me redundant. Hey, a job is a job and in the middle of a pandemic (yes, it’s still ongoing), no-one should be turning down a half decent paying job. It’s a very similar role admin to what I had before I moved into marketing, so quite familiar. I am enjoying it mostly, but I do miss my event life. I miss the freedom, the different onsite activities, the travel and the enjoyment it brings me to see one of my projects come to life.

I also started another business, baking gingerbread cookies. They’re popular with my friends and I’m trying to build a little community of followers to push my brand out. It’s called Ginger Candy Cookies >> http://www.gingercandycookies.com.au << I also built my own website; wrote it entirely on my own using the coding skills I learn during being unemployed. I’ve been doing it for about 8 months now and it’s been crazy. I had some more time for it being unemployed to build it ready to launch, then I got this new job. However being in lockdown and working from home, I had more time to work on it, before and after work. I never saw my cookies as being profitable or even something people would want to buy. I saw it as a hobby that made people smile, but turns out it can be something more. Lately, I’ve moved back to working in the office every second week, so that’s been a little harder to manage but I am getting there.

I’m laying here in bed thinking, how did I get here though? 2 years ago to this day, I was in NZ having the time of my life, climbing volcanoes, throwing myself off bridges bungy jumping and falling out of planes sky diving. From there I came back home and organised 4 events in a row to close out 2019. I had a 3 day sales conference, a print industry trade show, an AV industry trade show and then an education conference. It was one of my busy event years and while I didn’t see anyone but those in my office and I worked up more frequent flyer points than litres of petrol in my car, I bloody loved it. Then 2 months into 2020, I lost my job and a bloody global pandemic happened. I know I’ve already talked about that, but lives changed on the flick of a switch.

Can’t buy a house because I only have a contracted job that is supposed to go until August. Then I have no idea what is next. Will events be open enough? No idea. Will my current employer have another role for me? No idea. Not one bank lender is going to give someone a loan with no guarantees on their job status.

Not to mention any form of trying to date, well, that was (and is) even harder. It’s been three plus years now being single and I’ve been feeling it a lot lately. Lockdown doesn’t help. Country living (whilst I LOVE IT), doesn’t help. Rubbish dating apps that pretty much promote one night stands and FWB don’t do anything for me.

It’s like a vicious cycle:
> Download app with all good intentions of meeting some genuine people
> Meet people who seem genuine but then turn out to only be in it for FWB or casual fun
> Feel rubbish and loose self confidence because you’re not getting decent matches
> Delete app because it’s affecting your mood and mental health (Why did they not reply? Did I say something wrong? Do I have to pretend to be something I’m not because I don’t match the ‘norm’)
> Get lonely for not talking to anyone or meeting someone
> Download app..

I read a meme that re-downloading one of these apps is like going back to a fridge you just opened and hope that new enticing food has magically appeared. That cut deep and was so relatable but doesn’t stop you feeling lonely. Part of me doesn’t want to just give up but the other part of me just cannot be bothered with the games that get played. Maybe I am old soul, at 31. I’m past it. I just want someone who loves me for me, my stupid random adventures, my crazy shoe obsession and has a bit of passion and drive themselves. I want to look over at my shotgun seat on country roads (because I’m driving Hector, duh) and see them sitting there, enjoying my company. I don’t want the bullshit “Oh i can’t reply straight away because that’s too keen.”

Maybe I am better off just being myself and doing my own thing right now. Revamp my event contracting, building my cookie business and just keep killing my #FarmerFriday hashtag. I’m okay watching those sunsets by myself most of the time, with the windows down and tunes up loud. I’m getting used to my own company and I wouldn’t normally compromise any of career for something other than the best, so why compromise my heart.

That’s the clarity right there.

La love,
C.xx