Strong & Tearless.

rose

Every time I go to write this post (or even think about writing it for that matter), I tear up and wonder how much longer I can procrastinate about letting these feelings rise to the surface… I haven’t been strong enough to virtual pen these words to into sentences… until now.

It’s not a newsworthy headlining story but #boyfie and I broke up…

There. It’s out and I’m still tearless. It happened a little while ago, 5 months to be exact. 5 months before I have been somewhat capable of writing it down on a platform like this. This blog has always been like a journal to me; somewhere I can share my feelings and only virtual strangers read it. Most of those close to me already know but admitting I still hurt sometimes, has been hard.

Telling someone how I feel is easy when I don’t know them very well; I can just say it was mutual, I’m fine and walk away. My close friends or workmates see straight through me and it’s a little tougher to be the strong person I am in my heart. They know I’m still hurting yet am trying to be strong. I can get through days, even some weeks and be fine then one small thing triggers my memory and I’m a mess. I’m not in denial either – I know that it’s going to take time to heal; been there and done that before. However, being with someone for such a long time (almost 5 years), it’s going to take a little longer – if it didn’t, I’d be worried I was in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I loved him and I think I will forever… Just over time, the way you love someone changes.

Without going into the finer details, we mutually decided to go our separate ways to work on ourselves. We agreed life has a funny way of working out and we won’t know what the future brings until we are in the moment. There isn’t a day where I don’t think about him, but I know in my heart, it was the right decision. I truly know that in my heart even though my brain says I should have fought harder, stayed to see it out … He needs it and I need it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bloody hurt. Seeing and talking to someone for such a long time, almost every day, is such a hard thing to give up the next day.

There isn’t any sourness, hate or anger between us. In the beginning, I thought that may have been better/easier that way but I know that will prevent me from healing quicker. If anything (from my side anyway), I admire him for being honest and allowing us to make the decision together. I am really looking forward to the time where we can just chat and be friends again; I not only broke up with my boyfriend, but I temporarily lost my bestfriend. We talk occasionally by text or facebook tag but that’s about it. We both need this time to heal which will help our future friendship.

Given I’m now single (I’m still not used to saying that), I have more time alone than I did before. It’s not really like free time, it’s just time alone with my own thoughts. Your own thoughts can be so mean and self-damaging sometimes.

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Why do I feel sad all the time?
  • If only I’d tried harder…
  • If only I did this/that, maybe this wouldn’t have happened…
  • I must have been a horrible girlfriend for him not wanting to stay with me

The trouble with thoughts like this is that this thing really did happen and you now cannot change the past, no matter how hard you try. For all the negative thoughts, there are still positive, happy ones.

  • You’re strong and beautiful – there isn’t anything wrong with you
  • You tried all you could … and even more, if that were possible
  • Gut feelings are very rarely wrong, you did the right thing
  • Look at all the possibilities that might open up for you now, if you just let them…

The negative/mean self-thoughts are not something new to me… I have always doubted my own ability and given myself unreasonable expectations to live up to. I’m not sure why, it’s never been something put on me from anyone else, only myself. In this alone time, part of my search to better myself is to be nicer to myself, to be okay with being alone and feeling content that I only need myself to be okay. If I am content with myself and finding peace in my own company, I can’t imagine how much more will I appreciate the company of my family and friends.

It’s not the end of the road for our friendship or a goodbye – it’s just another chapter in our lives, as separate people.

I know a big sleep will help calm my thoughts and body. Tomorrow is a new day; one to cherish, have fun, laugh, smile and find the light in something dark.

La love,
C. xx

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