Have You Ever?

I lay here, restless, in a dilemma that only I can fix but have no idea where to start.

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong, you just aren’t good enough or you just can’t live up to expectations of others? I have and I still do.

A few weeks ago, I posted out how I am trying to stay happy and find something positive in every day. I have somewhat found that in most days but it’s days like today where I struggle to find a positive. I got up and went to work. It was a pretty quiet day but I’m pretty sure that hasn’t made me struggle to find a positive in today. When I’m at either of my jobs, I find I have things to do and keep my mind occupied. It’s when I am alone and have time to think, my brain goes into overload and always sees the negative things in my life.

It’s been nearly 2 years since I had that special someone and everyone in my life at the moment seems to have theirs. Everyone I talk to says you’re so young, you shouldn’t worry. I try and see their point but when I start seeing people my age or who were in my class at school get engaged/married, my heart starts to feel left out. I want that special feeling back, the one where you know your partner could have anyone in the world but they want you. I’m sick of lies and deceit. I always seem to be the reason my relationships end. (Well, that’s my opinion. I always feel like it’s my own fault. Everyone else says it’s not me but when you’ve been crushed 4 times by text messages, you start to doubt yourself.) I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough and that I’ll only ever have those “boys” who are cowards in sending a text message to break up with you. *x* and I are talking again but that just doesn’t fill in that hole.

All my life, I have found it difficult to fit in to a normal crowd. My mind thinks very literal and logical and that generally makes me seem standoffish and fit in with an older crowd. An old soul someone once told me. This isn’t always an issue but when you just want to chill out with someone your own age, being an old soul is difficult. I find it difficult to make new friends. I only seem to have a handful of mates and that is it. If they are busy, then I am stuck, alone, with all this spare time on my hands and for my brain to turn into mush. Even on my Contiki, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I felt like an outcast, like I didn’t belong in that group or even on that holiday.

I’m not sure how to fix this situation. Some people have said, just go out and talk to new people every day and make sure you show off that smile because you shine when it’s on show. However, when I don’t know someone or don’t feel comfortable in a situation, I’m quite shy and I don’t act like myself. I’m create a catch 22 for myself.

I just need to keep looking for positives in every day and hopefully everything will sort itself out.

C. x