Is This Goodbye?

Is this goodbye or just another I’ll see you soon?

That question is the number one topic of broken friendships/relationships all over the world…
Do you fight to keep what you want or do you let it go in a hope that it will come back to your because you are worth it?

It’s been the only thought running through my brain over the last 48 hours.  When I should be at my happiest, (just celebrated my 23rd birthday and seeing the sun shine every day) I’m struggling to see how things in life will get better.  I seem to be in this never ending pit of unhappiness which I have found no way of getting out.  How far can you go pretending everything is ok when really, your thoughts are about as clear as mud.

I understand life has it’s own ups and downs in order for you to appreciate what you have but I would really like it to shine a light on something positive for me, if only for a minute, just so I can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

What is the cause of all this?  I can’t associate it with one issue but a number of issues going on it my life at the moment that have caused me to neglect and possibly loose one of the most important people I have in my life.

It all started with a friendship which blossomed into a close and tight bond between myself and *x*. We started to hang out more and feelings started to grow inside both of us, which was not the inital reason on why we were hanging out.  Neither of us knew it would lead to that when we first decided to start hanging out more often.  We both didn’t want to confuse or complicate the situation as I was going away on my “Contiki – Trip of a Lifetime” and would be absent for 2 months.  It would have been selfish for me to ask  *x* to wait for me as they need to live their life as well.

Over the course of the whole 8 weeks, I thought of no one but *x* and how happy they made me.  We had a number of discussions on how we could possibly make something of us when I got back and we could just ride the train and see where it took us.  Of course, with my luck, that train derailed and plunged into a dark abyss, never to be seen again.  I will be honest and say, *x* showed the biggest amount of courage in being honest and truthful.  I know in the long run it will the right thing for our friendship.

With my heart and brain now mushed into a million tiny pieces, I had decided to do what every girl should do when they are upset.  Retail therapy. I racked up a couple of hundred extra dollars on my credit card (that was only supposed to be for Europe) in clothes and shoes but knew I could pay it back in the very next coming weeks, when BAM! I smash my car. There is a previous post on that issue, so I will not elaborate much more than I now needed to pull $950 from the sky before I could make a start on paying back my credit card.  Just what I needed.  To add to the MOUNTAIN of bills and repayments I already have.

Meanwhile, while all this is happening (a smushed heart and a empty bank account) I was still chilling with *x* but my feelings were not going away.  I was trying to hide them in order to go back to the way we were, but I didn’t do a great job at it.

And when you think, there couldn’t be possibly anything else, and I’ve ranted enought; The work issue.  Currently employed as a Personal Assistant/Internal Sales Assisant at a small sister company to a large corporation, I have enjoyed my job for the last 4 years.  I have had nothing to complain over.  I get to have lunch meetings (some times for no reason), go interstate for tradeshows and exhibitions, meet famous people and liaise with some pretty high flying businessmen.  How is that bad you say?  Well, after coming back from Europe, I was supposed to take on a new role in the company.  I wasn’t sure if I was good enough to fill the role but my boss had the upmost faith in me and I had convinced myself (over the 8 weeks break in Europe) that I was in fact good enough to do it otherwise they would not have considered me for the job.

When I arrived home, the person who was supposed to take my job had left in the biggest WHO-HAR the company has ever seen.  So where did this leave me and my new position?  Absolutely no where.  I had to fix all the mistakes and screw ups from the last 8 weeks and in fact to this day, not all the mistakes are fixed.  I had high hopes of progressing my career (after some persuation) but now I have had to resort to going back to what I was doing.  It shouldn’t be any different right? I loved this position before. WRONG.  I am bored and need something else now to challenge my interests.  It’s been 4 years and when I started this position I remember my boss saying to me, “if you are still in this position in 5 years, you should leave and find something more challenging.” Well, I’ll be at my 5 year anniversary next June.    Something to think about maybe?

So lets recap on the above.  The ingredients to why I am currently in my own downward spiral.

* A broken heart
* A never growing bank account
* A stagnet job

Any Australian reading this would say, “Have a cup of concrete”.  In a sense, I can see why I should.  I know there are people struggling in the world with worse issues than I have just described.  Some would say, “First world problems Candice, c’mon.”

There is one issue though, more important than any other issue I have mentioned.

Losing someone in your life that you never wanted to.

After weeks of unhappy conversations and awkward catch ups (all of which, caused by myself in being selfish), Sunday saw *x* leave me in a bid for me to find happiness.  I remember the last words I shared with *x*.  They were not, “I’ll never be far away” or “I will always remember what we had”.  They were rude and abnoxious.  “I told you not to reply.  Now it’s ruined.” Unlike their’s, “I am waiting for you my friend. Contact me when you are ready.”

I ruined my own friendship with someone I truly cared about because I could only see what was best for me and not best for us. I’ve watched *x* walk away before because I was being unreasonable.  I just watched it for a second time and I have no idea if they will truly ever return.

I cannot lie and say I don’t miss *x*. I always do.  They are apart of my soul and whenever absent, it feels like I am not whole.  But knowing I pushed them away, again, makes me hate myself even more.

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So after all this, I ponder this question to myself.

What makes Candice happy?

Right at this moment in time, I struggle to give a single answer that is not superficial.  BUT. I am striving to find those small things that make me happy.  I am trying to find one thing, just one thing, per day, that makes me smile, that is not *x*.  When I have a list that doesn’t contain “buying shoes” or “buying dresses”, maybe *x* will return and I share my list with them.  This time, I can sincerely promise, our bond and friendship will only consist of good times, lots of smiles and infamous C&*x* adventures.

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*x*, I wish not to be a burden on you any more.  I am trying my hardest, that is all you can ask and it is all I will ever give. Do not ever believe you have failed me.  From where I am standing, one day of not achieving  your goal does not out weight the 10 months of smiles I had.  From me, it is not goodbye, but I’ll see you real soon.  Right by your side, whenever you need me.

C. x